RAPPING with RIM

March, 2008

What is the Real Meaning of Bar and Bat Mitzvah?

by Kathy Koman

In recent years, I’ve attended plenty of bar and bat mitzvahs. While none of the receptions rivaled the Titanic-themed bash that was held on a rented cruise ship in the movie, Keeping Up with the Steins, most of them were expensive affairs in grand ballrooms or elegant restaurants with more guests than I had at my wedding.

As a Roman Catholic, I’ve always been puzzled by these extravagant parties for 13-year-olds. After my confirmation in church, I kissed the bishop’s ring, and then I went home. No Hava Nagila, no DJ, no fried mozzarella sticks for 200 of my closest friends. So why do Jews celebrate in such a big way after their children are called to the Torah? Are these parties simply examples of wasteful consumption? And are they taking away from the religious significance of the event?

Now that I’m planning my own daughter’s bat mitzvah, I asked Rabbi Rim to answer some of my questions, beginning with: What is the real meaning of bar/bat mitzvah?

“Coming of age for a bar mitzvah means the legal ability to make adult Jewish decisions,” he replied. It is when Jews earn the right to vote in the synagogue, he explained, and when they can make their own decisions about fasting, attending services, and so on. In popular language, “mitzvah” is synonymous with “good deed.” But in a theoretical sense, it’s a commandment from God. Judaism is based on a system of commandments, some obligatory (honor your parents) and others negative (do not murder). “When a child turns 13,” said Rim, “everything they should do as a Jewish person or everything they shouldn’t do as a Jewish person is on their plate and they’re the ones who are going to decide how to live with it, interpret it, reject it, or think about it in a new way.” Being a bar or bat mitzvah is essentially coming of age as a Jewish citizen, he said, and is demonstrated by leading the community in prayer and by reading from the Torah, which is the book of law or ideas, and by interpreting it.

So why does this warrant a party? “In Christianity, the relationship between the individual and God comes first,” said Rim. “In Judaism, the relationship between the Jewish people and God comes first. So that when a girl becomes a bat mitzvah, it’s not her individual relationship with God that’s being commemorated — it’s her relationship with the community. That’s the basis of a party,” he
explains. It’s a celebration of “a group event bringing a new member into the group.” Even the poorest Jews have always celebrated with a seudat mitzvah, a meal of mitzvah, he said, even if it’s only some herring and vodka.

But aren’t some of today’s parties over the top? Maybe so, but, in Rim’s opinion, a lavish event that includes a donation to a charity is also doing a lot of good. Preparing for a bat mitzvah is an opportunity for parents to sit down with their children and encourage them to live in ways that enhance life for other people, he said. That might mean asking them to give a percentage of their gift money to help poor kids in Africa or homeless people in Boston.

“Your bat mitzvah is this day that’s going to be centered around you, and that’s terrific,” said Rim. But, he added, “that doesn’t mean that you should live a life that is centered around yourself.”

There are 18 months left before my daughter comes of age as a Jewish citizen. Rim suggested that I use some of that time to help her figure out what she loves that is greater than herself and to help her investigate ways to support that cause.

I’ll do my best to follow his advice. And then I’ll order the mozzarella sticks.

—Kathy Koman